when your man cheats

Living life is hard, it's even more so when you find out your man is having an affair. It is devastating!

Here I am just going along thinking all is normal. Even though I knew he wasn't well, mentally or physically. But silly ol' me is trusting and foolish.

Due to family and job situation we are living in two places; our beautiful home we purchased to retire in; the same home we hoped to watch our grandchildren grow near and an apartment 620 miles away. I thought we were making the best of it all, sharing weekends together and extra days on each end, so we could help with our granddaughter, the love of our life!

One weekend he tells me not to come back, and he decides to not come home the next weekend and when he finally does come home I know immediately he's been cheating. I see it in his eyes, and they way he looks at me.

He tells me he doesn't love me, and hasn't loved me for five years, ouch! I have been blindly living with a man that I cherish and he's been living with a woman he doesn't love.

I notice he won't let his cell phone be more than arms reach from him, something that's never happened in the past. So, when he has that precious granddaughter in the pool I go through his phone.  I am sickened by the text messages between the two of them, my heart is shredding and I'm on quicksand ...

I decide to confront him and he denies it all, so I quote many of the text messages between them and he begins to realize his error, leaving that phone on the bar.

I tell him I love him, and we can get through this, he tells me he loves her ...

I do the only logical thing I can think of, I hire a private detective. This man was surely worth every penny it cost me, he finds out everything about this person ... and I tell my man some of them. Of course he doesn't believe me, she's perfect and I'm lying ...

I share with my adult boys the situation and they too are devastated.

The next day my man takes money out of our joint account and opens a new account in a different bank; why would he do this? To protect himself he says, this is not his thought process and it begins.  My youngest son says to get a lawyer, so I do. She says he has 24 hours to replace that money or she's filing an injunction against him.  He returns the money.

The truth of what the detective has found is ringing in my ears, she only wants his money; she thinks he has loads and she wants her share!

He asks for divorce, and I say no; not for one year. He balks, but doesn't have much recourse.

I take him to get a physical, to see his neurologist, and I find a psychiatrist too as I know he's losing it.  I find a therapist and we both go.

I see him take his medications, he seems to be gaining control.  We are going to counseling and I begin to feel things are going well ... yet, all the while he's still seeing her at work, going to her and not his wife to 'feel' better. He is unable to face the facts of the problems he's caused instead he is blaming me to her, and she soothes him over it.

This goes on for months, five months, and I am blinded by it. Sure, there are days when he is his nasty self, but I know that this is a struggle and we are going to make it ...

I confront him, he back peddles, says he's on the right track, that we are going to make it. And again, he turns to her. This happens time and time again, and I blame her.  Then I see it's not just her, it's him too ... and I realize, he doesn't love me.

Now I am stronger, and going to find my way ... alone. I love him but am unable to continue in this pain and drowning sensation ...

ultrasound biopsy

As I await my upcoming biopsy a little research seems necessary.  I hit the internet... the internet, what a terrific thing! After finding that this is something I really think should not be done to anyone, I resign myself that it will be done to me.  The day arrives and I head to the hospital, with my Jade device in hand! Sign in and wait in the lobby.  Time seems to tick slowly, yet so quickly ... confusing I agree.  The doctor comes out and introduces himself and his nurse, we walk into the operatory chatting about the heat.  After they position me the doctor spends a lot of time making marks and talking to his nurse.  After what seems like hours (actually only minutes) he tells me he doesn't like the 'look' of the ultrasound.  He leads me to his office and puts my films on the viewer and suggests that another biopsy would be better for me.  I am in shock, first the doctors office machine is broken and now this ... what next?  I really think I can't actually go through this again, it is much more emotional than I could have thought ...

Friday afternoon I went to the radiology clinic with my films, set up appointment for Tuesday afternoon at 2.30.  I am a bit numb, after gearing myself up for the biopsy on Friday ...then not to happen.

My first thought on hearing biopsy was Grace... is this her legacy?  Will she have to deal with this one day?  I pray not.  Not being mom to girls I never dreamed the feelings that would consume me regarding her.

With a plate so full I am afraid I will drop something, splat to the floor, let someone down or worse yet maybe even crack myself ... have never felt this way before ...

We've had Andrew home for the weekend, and it's gone by in a blur ... have decided to concentrate on the next visit with him and all the fun I've planned for the bg this week ...

unbelievable!

So, what a day!  I am sure to arrive early to my appointment to fill out all the necessary paperwork.  Naturally when they make an appointment that time comes and goes ... so at 11.15 I am taken in to the exam room, blood pressure, temp taken and now given a gown... 11.30 doctor comes in, she's 12 years old... really, I am certain she is just 12 years old!  She exams me, and calmly tells me that she's sending me to a radiologist for the biopsy... her machine is broken and she doesn't want to miss anything ... it's because she's 12 years old!!  it's not an x-box ... so, they pack up my films and give me the number to a women's clinic ... I hate that name ...

Now I am home ... call the clinic and they won't make the appointment until they see the films ... SERIOUSLY!  I am thinking of calling it off ... my 12 year old doctor is pretty sure it's not malignant ... why put myself through this  ...

biopsy, seriously?

Of all the scary words out there I never expected to hear one directed at me ... biopsy ... let me back up first.  A couple of weeks ago I had my very favorite of all things, physical exam!  I can not wait each year to head to my doctor, rip my clothes off and jump on the table to have a man I barely know (don't really know his first name!) fondle me up and down ... then with a lovely smile on his face remind me of my next very favorite thing - mamogram ... yippee ... so his secretary makes my appointment and a couple days later I get to have my breasts squeezed and manipulated in a machine that tries to rotate them off my very body ... so here I am.  Just be-popping along with out a care (I really have cares but not this large) when I get a lovely letter in the mail stating I need to come in for another film ... boom, words escape me (and if you really know me then you know that's quite rare!). With shakey fingers I dial the clinic and make an appointment.  The nurse calmly tells me that in 75% of women one film they're back out the door ... she doesn't mention the other 25%.  I make my appointment strip to the waist and proceed to have my left breast nearly ripped off... then she takes two more shots ... making me think I may not be in that 75%.  The tech calmly asks me to sit, and she leaves me in this cold room with that machine.  When she returns she says the radiologist thinks a sonogram is necessary ... now I know I'm not in that 75%.  The radiologist is quite nice and we strike up a delightful conversation (which I will share later) and she takes loads of pictures of my now very sore left breast ... she has concern on her face and she's not being as light hearted as she began.  She sits me up and says I have a mass... a MASS ... another scary word ... and she wants me to see a surgeon for a three line biopsy ... so, here I am waiting a week to have a three line biopsy ... a little scared.